Happy Mother's Day!

Its time once again for the traditional posting about my mom! Even now, I get more comments about this post than any other (I think I may have peaked!).

Happy Mothers Day mom!

Let me tell you what you should know about my mom…

The earliest memory I have of my mother comes from when I was very young and sick. Mom was sitting in a chair at the side of my bed. Most of my memories of that day are vague and clouded by fever-tainted dreams. I vaguely remember waking several times during the day and night. Each time, mom was still sitting there in that chair. Day or night made no difference. She would be in that chair reading, clipping coupons, or just watching over me. There was never a time when I awoke that I couldn’t remember her being there. It just seemed to me that she had been there the entire time. In retrospect, I am certain that she did get up and did do more than sit at my bedside the entire day. But that feeling of knowing mom was always there by my side has never left me. That sense of security has made possible so many of the wonderful experiences of my life.

Long before Dr. Steven Covey wrote about a “sphere of influence” in his book, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, mom was already living it. If she knew you, determined you were worthy, and considered you a friend, you would automatically fall under her umbrella of protection. What protection that umbrella of protection offered depended on you and your situation. It might be a meal, a surprise gift, a card, a letter, a phone call, a sympathetic ear, or any combination of these. I have often wondered how many people really knew they had an adopted guardian in my mother.

Growing up, I cannot remember one week passing in which mom wasn’t on the phone to someone listening, questioning, encouraging, guiding someone through some problem or difficulty. If mom had only been paid for all the hundreds and hundreds of hours she spent counseling and nursing, my family’s financial picture would be very different. Instead, I grew up in a family that was rich in ways this world has difficulty measuring.

When I was a Resident Assistant in college I was often lauded for my skills as a counselor. Some people attributed my ability to talk to people in difficult situations to my major field of study being Psychology. Others credited my ability to having made the most of the training I had received as an RA. In truth, I was relying on the experience I had gained growing up in a counseling clinic called home!

I still remember with amazing clarity the day I learned that my mother wasn’t a nurse. Growing up I heard about how mom had worked at the hospital before I was born. The thought that she wasn’t a nurse never occurred to me. Mom always knew what to do whenever I was sick. It seemed like people were always calling our house looking for mom’s “medical advice” when someone was sick. In truth, mom probably could have completed her residency just on the amount of time she spent doctoring me the numerous times I was sick as a child!

Do not for one moment envision my mother as just some sweet, caring, gentle woman – that would not be anywhere near a complete portrait of my mother. The late Leo Buscaglia once said, “the opposite of love is not hate, its apathy. People who don’t love you don’t give a damn! We get mad and upset and yell at the ones we love because we care about them.”

Allow me to assure you that as mad as my mother got, she had to really love me! Whenever did something stupid, foolish or dangerous, mom would let me know it. She never laid a hand on me, but it wasn’t necessary. Her voice would not just get loud, but it would resonate with a certain tone. This tone would start at the base of my spine and work its way up my back between my shoulder blades. So many times I could feel myself wanting to shiver and quake in fear, but couldn’t because I had been paralyzed.

But the unbridled wrath of my mother’s temper was never really unleashed on the people she cared about. If she cared about you at all, she saved the full force of her anger for those who would try in some way to hurt or take advantage of you.

In all the world there are only three creatures that are not intimidated by the size of their opponent; the dog, the bee, and my mother.

One of my favorite mom stories comes from the time my dad had surgery. Almost immediately after the surgery the Dr. informed my mom that dad was going home that day. At the time, dad could barely sit up in bed – never mind trying to walk. The Dr. explained that dad was going home and mom explained that he wasn’t. I remember standing out in the hall while my mother and this surgeon argued over whether or not dad was going home. I could hear my mother’s voice getting louder and more terse by the second. Out in the hallway I wasn’t the only person who overhead this conversation, even though the door was almost completely closed.

I remember having three distinct thoughts as I listened to their argument: First, I always thought that doctors were smart. Second, that man is about to die! And finally, thank God she’s never been that mad at me!

Dad did stay in the hospital, until mom gave the doctor her approval for him to return home. Oh yes, not only did she win her argument, she made it perfectly clear who was in charge!

A battle of Navy Seals led by Arnold Schwarzennager against mom protecting her family, wouldn’t be much of a contest. Bet the farm on mom.

Did I mention mom cooks? My wife wasn’t intimidated by mom until she saw the clipping of a newspaper article about mom and some of her recipes. Now when my parents come over, my mom and my wife occasionally will be wearing matching or coordinating outfits. I’m telling you, I don’t stand a chance!

Mom’s hot chocolate mix and cookies were legendary with my friends at college. One friend of mine said he would help me bury bodies, no questions asked, for a handful of mom’s cookies!

That was then. Now, my children will do just about anything for a piece or two of “Grandma Fudge.” My children are always ready to visit grandma and P-pa (my daughter couldn’t quite manage grandpa and the title stuck!)

My daughter goes out of her way to do anything to impress Grandma whenever she’s around. A word of praise from Grandma can do wonders. If I tell my daughter she’s just like Grandma she beams. Her face beams as brightly as it does when I tell her she is as beautiful as her mother.

When mom is with my son, I am transported back in time. I get a glimpse of what she was like with her little boy; but from a different perspective. I get to add a little touch of reality to my perception of the past. I can now watch and observe the ‘little things’ I never would have noticed as a child.

It has taken a lot of time, a wife and children of my own to realize how much I am like my mother.

For what its worth, that’s a good thing.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Welcome to Amateur Night!

When I was in college I worked with a guy who had a well-deserved reputation as a party animal. When New Year’s rolled around I asked where he was going. He replied that he didn’t go out on New Year’s Eve because he called it “amateur night.” My friend explained that New Year’s Eve was the one night when everyone goes out – not the serious partiers. I guess I feel that way about Valentine’s Day.

Only the “amateur” romantics go all out for Valentine’s Day. The real romantics do all the Valentine stuff throughout the year. As my wife can tell you, I don’t do much for Valentine’s Day. However, I will make sure that she has flowers several times a year.

Speaking of flowers – try this: I just saw a “sale” price for a dozen long stemmed roses for $25. Take that same amount of money and see how many flowers you can get when it isn’t Valentine’s Day! Seriously, wait until all the roses from Valentine’s Day have wilted and then surprise your “significant other” with a fresh bouquet of daisies or carnations. I’ll bet you find you are well into fall before you run through the same $25 you spent on a dozen roses.

Back to the real topic: Amateur Night! If the events of September 11, taught us anything it should be that we never know when we will have the last opportunity to tell someone we care about them and how much they mean to us. Only a coward waits until February 14^th!

My dad once told me that if I put flowers on his grave he would haunt me. His attitude is that it is a little late to tell him I care about him when he’s dead. I guess if you really care about someone you shouldn't wait until their gone to tell them. Growing up being exposed to that kind of mindset might explain why I view Valentine’s Day as Amateur Night!

I don’t get my wife big Valentine’s Day presents. I can’t wait that long. I will buy her flowers because it’ Thursday and she hasn’t had flowers on any Thursday this month!

For What Its Worth, if you care about someone, show or tell them every chance you get. You never know when you’ll never get another opportunity.

So indulge me while I repeat myself from an earlier posting:

“Although I conquer all the earth, yet for me there is only one city. In that city there is for me only one house, and in that house, one room only; And one woman sleeps there, the shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom.”

Anonymous, Ancient India

The first time I read it I knew exactly how the writer felt; all the world comes down to one person. That person was and still is Amy, my wife.

I still remember the first time I saw her. More than anything else I noticed her eyes and her smile. Those incredibly beautiful eyes whose soft gaze melts my soul and that magnificent smile. I still believe when she smiles all the angels in heaven smile with her.

I could go on for a very, very long time about what a wonderful person you will find hidden behind that veil of shyness. But I can tell you everything you need to know about her by telling you a brief story about what I believe will happen in the future.

One day God will call together all of his angels and discover that one is missing. Being THE Good Shepherd, just as it says in the Bible, he will leave the ninety-nine to go search for the missing one. When he finds this missing angel he will return her to the flock and there will be much rejoicing.

The world will be able to tell when this happens because when that happens, my wife will be taken from me and returned to her rightful home.

Happy Amateur Night Valentine’s Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

I am a fan of the movie, “Groundhog Day”. In case you are not familiar with the movie, Bill Murray’s character, Phil Conner, is stuck reliving the same day over and over again – Groundhog day.

Can you relate to the character in the movie, Phil Conner? Does it feel like you are reliving the same day over and over? Were you aware there is a word for this sensation? I’m not referring to the French word déjà vu. No, the word I am referring to is, “Rut”.

There are several tests you can use to determine if you are really stuck in a rut. Some testing methods tend to be more accurate than others. I believe one of the most accurate tests is to list your top problems and biggest worries. After you have completed your list go back and next to each item indicate how long you have had each problem and how long you have been worried about each item on your list. If you have had the same problems and worries for more than a year you are probably in a rut.

Now that you know you are in a rut, what do you do about it? Well there is always the superficial solution. This usually involves ordering something different than your usual at the restaurant where you go out to eat. If you survive the heartburn and indigestion, you can try a new route to work. You could get really crazy and even try listening to a different radio station on the way to work. But be careful doing these things because all the people in your life may start to call you a rebel!

Now if you seriously want to get out of a rut, you need to determine what it is you don’t like about it. Exactly what worries are wearing you down? Are you tired of never having enough money? Are you exhausted from worry that your next paycheck will come with a notice indicating there is no reason to come back on Monday - or ever? What are the problems you are biggest problems?

The next step is to determine how far you are willing to go to change. How hard are you willing to work to change the course of your life. I’m going to tell you right now that this isn’t going to be easy. One of the most basic laws of physics simply states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Changing course takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of work for days, weeks, and months.
You might be amazed at how the people closest to you appear to want you to stay in your rut. Your rut may be their source of comfort and security and people will do a lot to stay comfortable and secure. In fact, that is probably how you got into the rut you find yourself in today!
In order to break out of the rut you are in you are going to have to do things and go places that probably make you a little uncomfortable. You will have to continue even though many people around you are going to urge you to stop. In short, you are going to have to work! Unless you are really committed to making a change, you will probably find yourself right back in the same rut by the time you are looking for shade from the summer sun.

Breaking out of the rut you find yourself in means that you will not have to worry about the same things any longer. It means you will not have to continue to face the same problems again. It does NOT mean you will not have any worries or that you will NOT have any problems. Having problems is a part of life. What I’m saying is that you get to substitute your existing problems for different problems. After all, isn’t variety the spice of life? Really, instead of having to face the problem of not having any money, wouldn’t you rather have the problem of trying to decide where to invest all of your extra money or how much money to give to different charities?

I hope you can make it out of your rut. It isn’t easy, but I think you will find it is worth it.

“Sign, sign, everywhere a sign Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign”
- The Five Man Electrical Band

Lately I’ve been getting song lyrics stuck in my head a lot. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time listing to music lately. I often find a considerable amount of wisdom hidden within the lyrics of many songs. Today I’m thinking about signs – and yes its because I have that song stuck in my head!

When we drive there are all kinds of signs and most of them are color coded to make it even easier for people to recognize the signs and the types of information they are trying to convey. You might be too far away to actually read a sign, but if you see an orange, diamond shaped sign on the side of the road you know it is trying to warn or caution you. Of course, here in Illinois it almost always means road construction so the only real reason to read the sign is to make sure the lane you are currently in is the one that is about to end!

It seems to me that life provides us with signs in life as well. The problem is that too many people ignore these signs the way they ignore speed limit signs.

A prime example of a sign would be stairs. If you find after you walk up a flight of stairs you are winded, or your joints hurt, or you are light-headed then stairs are a big warning sign. This warning sign is telling you that you are out of shape and are about to have some serious health issues to contend with if you don’t take some action. But don’t worry, everyday I see people take the elevator instead. These people are ignoring a sign warning them of future problems.

Another example of a sign would be your checkbook. When was the last time you balanced your checkbook? Did you know there is an amazing percentage of our population who regularly do not balance their checkbook? Not surprisingly, these people often have money problems. They have money problems because they are avoiding the warning sign of a checkbook that doesn’t balance. With online banking it is possible to balance your checkbook everyday, although I think this would be a sign of a different type of problem!

Maybe your clothes don’t fit as well as they used to may be a sign that you have had too much to eat over the holidays. Maybe you don’t talk to your spouse or certain friends as much as you used to. This is normally an important sign. Unfortunately, like most really important signs, it is often ignored.

A sign that often goes with clothes not fitting is when that exercise equipment you bought to get into shape functions as an extra clothes rack. Clothes neatly hanging on hangers that are draped over handle bars of exercise bikes is a sign that you like to buy new clothes better than you like doing something about fitting into the clothes you already have.

The fact that my daughter can now reach the top of the refrigerator without standing on a step stool is a sign that she is growing. The more subtle sign is that the way I talk to her and treat her had better match her age and behavior. I often wonder if the reason many parents can’t talk to their children is because they talk to their children in a way that is no longer appropriate. By the time those children become teenagers, those teenagers are learning to dismiss what their parents say because, “my parents treat me like a child.”

If you really want a lesson about reading signs, read any Sherlock Holmes mystery. Holmes was a master of reading subtle signs that everyone around him missed. One of my favorite Sherlock Holmes mysteries is “The Adventure of Silver Blaze” in which a famous race horse is stolen just before a big race. The key to solving the entire mystery hinged on the fact that the dog did not bark. You see, the dog did not bark because it knew the person who took the horse. This sign made it clear to Sherlock Holmes that it was an inside job.

I hope by now you get the point, there are signs all around us. Its up to us to notice the signs and take appropriate action. I wise man once told me that awareness of your environment is the best defense.

For what its worth, it seems to me that in order to be aware of what is going on around you, don’t you have to be able to read the signs?

What do you think?
Please feel free to post your comments below.

"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

- Mark Twain

Do you even remember your New Year’s Resolutions from last year? How many of last year’s resolutions did you keep?
Were you trying to lose weight?
Were you going to get into shape?
How many of your were going to quit smoking?

A long time ago I found that most New Year’s resolutions last at best about 30-60 days. The gym that is crowded in January is nearly empty in mid February.

As Mark Twain has so eloquently stated, most New Year’s resolutions fail. I am sure there are many reasons for this, but I suspect that one of the main reasons is that we make a resolution about a symptom, and not the real problem. For example, losing weight is usually the most frequently made New Year’s resolution. But instead of a generic “I’m going to lose X number of pounds” wouldn’t it be better to resolve to stop one behavior that has made you overweight in the first place? Maybe you should resolve to make healthier food choices when eating out – a cheese pizza has almost half the fat of a pepperoni pizza. As long as you don’t increase the amount of pizza you eat, you should see an improvement.

I bet if you were to actually start exercising (or exercise a little more regularly) you would see an even greater improvement in your weight!

I suspect the other reason most people fail to keep their New Year’s resolution is because they are not realistic. If you have tried to quit smoking for the last couple of years and are still smoking, maybe this year you should simply resolve to cut your smoking by 1/3.

Next year you could reduce the amount you smoke by 1/3 again. After a two years, of reducing how much you smoke, quitting would probably be easier. Granted it would take you longer to get to the point where you are no longer smoking, but how long have you made a resolution to stop smoking?

Finally, I think most people fail to keep their resolutions because they really aren’t motivated. The goal of losing weight continues to be one of, if not the number one, New Year’s resolution. It also happens to be the resolution least likely to be kept. But what if your doctor were to say you need to lose 20 pounds and start exercising if you want to be around for next year? I bet you would be a little more motivated to eat less and exercise more then!

But instead, most people make a lame annual commitment to lose weight. They won’t get seriously motivated until they are faced with the prospect of their own demise.

As for me, I’ll make the same New Year’s resolution this year that I have for the last 15 years. I only make one, but I do my best to adhere to it every day of the year. The only thing that has changed over the last 15 years is the actual wording – but the general idea is the same. It used to be, “I will screw up less this year than last year.” Over time it has evolved into, “I will try to be smarter and do fewer stupid things this year than I did last year.” I realize it isn’t much, but it is a resolution that I really do try to stick with throughout the year.

For what its worth, make a realistic commitment that you are truly motivated to keep rather than make some lame commitment for something that isn’t realistic.

Happy New Year everyone!

“If life came with a report card you’d be bringing home straight A’s.”
- Back of a brochure for a 1998 Toyota Camry

Don’t ask why I was reading a brochure for a 1998 Toyota Camry – the point is I really liked the statement on the back. Right now its mid-term at the college where I teach. Mid-term grades let students know just how they are doing in a class. All too often mid-term grades serve as a wake-up call to students that its time to get serious and really put forth some effort if they to get a good grade.

What if life came with a report card? I think it is an interesting concept. On what subjects would we be graded? Well let me give you some thoughts about

Relationships – How is your relationship with your spouse/significant other? Can you talk to them about anything? Think about the people who are most important to you. Do you know what problems they are facing in their lives? What, if anything, are you doing to help them? Have you formed any new friendships lately?

Health – How’s your blood pressure? How’s your cholesterol? Can you walk up one or more flights of steps without getting winded? If you had to pull yourself up through a hole in your roof, like the people in New Orleans, could you do it? How big would the hole need to be? Afterwards would you be able to help someone else up?

Finances – How many steps are you away from becoming a millionaire? How many steps are you away from being bankrupt? Honestly, which end of the spectrum are you closest to right now? Which end of the continuum are you moving towards?

Employment – are you really making a contribution? If you are an employee are you making a significant contribution to the bottom line? If you own your own business, is your business making a contribution to your customers?

History – are you repeating your own history or are you learning lessons from your past? Are you one of the many people who say, “Same Stuff, Different Day”? Do you find yourself trying to solve the same problem(s) you had last month, or do you have a new set of problems? I have a friend who once told me that in life you will have 87 problems. Once you solve one of your problems a new one will replace it - so you can maintain the appropriate number of problems. If you do not solve your problems, you get to keep them until they are resolved and can be replaced with new problems.

Education – There is a line from the John Wayne movie “The Sands of Iowa Jima” in which John Wayne’s character states, “Life is hard, its harder when you’re stupid.” The easiest way to keep from being stupid is to keep learning. One of the best ways to learn is through reading books. I keep busy teaching night classes, but I also learn a lot from teaching those classes. I learn things from the books used in class, I learn from other instructors, and I even learn from my students.

Lets face it, if you are not happy with your grade in any of the areas listed above you probably could use a little education in those areas. Maybe you need a book about relationships, or money management. Maybe you need to learn a new skill for your job or business.

Grade yourself honestly, but not too harshly. Then realize this is just a mid-term grade. Sit down and figure out where you are and what you will have to do in order to get the grade you really want. That’s called setting goals and making plans to achieve those goals. (There are a lot of books and tapes on those subjects if you want to learn more about them!)

For what its worth, remember that you don’t need straight As to end up on the Dean’s List.

“Whenever I was upset by something in the papers, Jack always told me to be more tolerant, like a horse flicking away flies in the summer.” – Jackie Kennedy

I read recently that every good thing is attacked. Metal is attacked by rust, for example. I don’t think that means that if feel like you are being attacked you are necessarily good! There are a lot of people who do bad, evil, hateful things and they get attacked too! Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

However, I like the attitude stated here. There is no need to get upset. Many of these attacks are nothing more than annoyances. If properly brushed aside they do tend to disappear. As I noticed a long time ago, most people discover its no fun fighting by yourself. I will admit that there are a significant percentage of people who are a little slow to catch on to that fact.

If you think about it, you will probably find that many of these attacks and annoyances are actually very small and insignificant. Like the flies, they are small in comparison to the horse – even though they are often frustrating.

In my opinion, the people who often attack us or try to drag us down are very similar to flies. They are little people, although not necessarily in the physical sense. They tend to swarm together and never seem to accomplish much themselves.

For what its worth, do not allow the flies to bother you. Flick them away and continue on your way.